My apologies to the masses, but I've been slightly wrapped up in Lukas.
Here's the deal. In 3 weeks I will be away from Lukas for 6 days for work. I've known about this trip for a while, but 3 weeks is going to be here in a flash, and I'm dreading being away from that sweet boy for nearly a week. Not to mention the fact that I'm still breast feeding, and trying to pump on a work trip is going to suck. I can picture it now- mascara running down my face while I am attached to the devil suction cups. (Can you tell I love to pump?)
So in anticipation of my trip, I am overloading on hugs, and kisses, and snuggles, and giggles, and baby's breath for the next three weeks. I will be holding him, and whispering how much I love him, and singing to him, until he can't stand me.
The fact of the matter is I am absolutely dreading this trip.
I hate how I constantly feel torn between my baby, and my career. I hate that when my son is sick my first thought is "can I afford to use a sick day?" I hate that when I'm at work I'm thinking about Lukas, and when I'm at home I'm thinking about work. I hate feeling like I'm going to miss my son's milestones. I hate feeling like the backup parent. I hate being away for the majority of my sons waking hours. It's absolutely heart-wrenching.
...but if I'm honest with myself.. I love that I feel a sense of fulfillment, and pride in my work. I love the fact that I have balance in my life. I love that I can trust that my husband is more than capable of making good decisions in the rearing of our child. I love how I feel like super mom because I am doing it all every day. I love how excited Lukas is to see me when I get home.
It's a balancing act, and some days I just want to bawl in my coffee, but I get up and face the day because this is real life. This is my life. And some days it sucks, but most days it's pretty great. I want to dwell in the pretty great, so I'm going to be snuggling for three weeks
Ciao bellas!
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